Family Life Coaching: Empathy

For my internship, I decided to enroll into a Family Life Coaching class at BYU-Idaho. As I have been in this class I have found so many life tools that will not only help me in my future career, whether it be counselling or coaching, but also in my everyday life. I want to touch on just one here. One that if you do not use you will not be a good coach at all.

1. Empathy.
What is empathy? Empathy is feeling with others. It is to never pretend that you understand. It is a fueled connection with another. It is a vulnerable choice. I love the word vulnerable. When we are helping one and/or coaching another we have to be vulnerable to what they may voice and say. We are not to be judgmental. We are to listen with empathy. I want to share a video about empathy.

I absolutely love this video! It shares how hard empathy can be. This video portrays the skill of advanced empathy which is understanding the underlying problem or issue that one is going through.
Have you ever seen an iceberg? If not, here is a picture of one that I took while I was in Alaska.

You can see that there are some rough as well as smooth spots on this iceberg but what you can't see is how much ice is under the surface. There is a diagonal line on the front face of this iceberg, everything below that line was once under water. This iceberg will shift and rotate in the water. It actually did it when I was taking the picture. about 2/3's of the iceberg is under water. The goal of a coach is to help those find what is under the iceberg and how they can accomplish that if they desire. 

" The voice that speaks in him speaks low but he who listens with a third ear, hears also what is expressed almost noiselessly, what is said pianissimo." 

I absolutely love this quote because this is talking about empathy. You can also apply it to advanced empathy. When you have a true desire to hear and understand what one is going through you are listening with that third ear. 

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside you." -Emerson

Power of Assessments

How do you know where someone stands in what means the most to them? How do you know what they want to work on? In Coaching we have so many different tools that are a strong resource to helping us figure this out. These are assessments. At the beginning of my experience with these assessments and with my coaching clients I picked out a few that I felt were applicable.

The first one is the Life Wheel. I love this assessment. I love that one can look at these different sections of their life and find which ones matter most. I did this for my self. and found that my Spirituality was my highest. It was the one that I care the most about with my self-image the least, the one I need to work the most on. As I did this with my clients I got a response back of many wows, I didn't know that that was so important to me. And now I can see what I want to work on.
                                            
The second one that I liked to do was a visioning exercise. This helped people to look at what they desired most by imagining the perfect day. Life isn't perfect and never will be! I think that is very important to know. However, imagining gives you an idea of what you want your life to be and then having a Coach can help you to achieve the goals you wish to set to achieve that dream. I did this with one of my clients and it was an amazing experience. It led the rest of the sessions and helped not only myself, the coach, but also my client to know what she wanted to work on. These visioning exercised can be anything but they are there to help one see the potential they have.

The third is something that I haven't used yet in my coaching but came across in my Adult Development class. It is a Competence and Environmental Press graph which is used to measure your competence and environmental press when dealing with stress. I wish I knew about this well before I started my coaching because it is such an amazing graph and helps one visualize how competent they are with their stress and the environmental press that is causing the stress as well.

I tried my best to draw this graph on the computer so here it is. What one would do is they would plot where they feel they were. Did they have high levels of environmental press or low levels and then take it to their competence, low levels or high. One wants to be in the zone of max comfort not in either of the maladaptive parts of the graph. I feel like if I knew about this I could help a client take each of their stressors and then plot them on this graph and then plot the overall number and see where they fall. This would give them a visual of where they are in handling each stressor that is in their life and if they wanted to proceed we would go from there. 

Assessments help one to see where they are at as well as need to be legit. The last one that I mentioned is not an assessment and/or has been tested. I do feel like it is a beneficial tool that could be used. 

Carl Rogers

This post is going to be based off of Carl Rogers. My Professor drew this picture on the board in class on Thursday, 9/28, and It really stuck out to me. So you can see what each of the parts of the picture stand for; sun-acceptance, nutrients- empathy, tree-personal growth, rain- congruence. 

If we imagine that the tree is our client, we (the coach) help provide everything else. I like this because it helps me to see what my purpose is as a coach. I am not supposed to be responsible for the growth and I am not supposed to give them the answers on how to find the solution that my client is searching for. I am there to be real with them, to listen to them, to accept them for who they are, no judgement, and I am to provide empathy. As I provide empathy the acceptance will shine onto the tree and when the congruence comes it will nourish the empathy so that my client can grow into the tree they want to be. 

divorce and blended families...

As we studied about the stages of divorce it made me think of my family situation. My parents aren't divorced but they are separated. But I know a lot of those who have been divorced. There are six stages of divorce: 1. emotional divorce 2. legal divorce 3. economic divorce 4. co-parental divorce 5. community divorce 6. psychic divorce
Through much research it is said that the children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce later themselves. This is a scary think to know. As I have been going on dates and meeting different guys so that I can find the one I am to marry this is what I am scared most of. Take things slow- don't rush. But divorce is the one thing I don't want in my life. Due to my parents separation it scares me. Women are less likely to remarry after a divorce.
When one does remarry after divorce they end up becoming a blended family. Blended families have benefits and have disadvantages. It all depends on how things go in that family. I am not apart of a blended family. neither of my parents have a desire to date other people at all. Roles change in a blended family. One thing that I believe is very important in any family, whether blended or non blended is communication. If the couple of a blended family don't communicate with how things work around the kids, their own life then it will not be good. The Lord is interested in making better people not just someone who fits well. Seek and pray for someone who will make you better; not just for a short time but for life.
I believe that even if you don't believe in God you can still use this when you seek for the person you are to be with for the rest of your life.

Parenting

Have you ever wondered what type of parent you are to your children? There are three styles of parenting. I will describe each
1. Authoritarian Parenting: the approach is to exercise maximum control and to expect unquestioning obedience. The parent child interaction is not the give-and-take of a developing relationship but the giving of orders by a superior to a subordinate. In case of infraction of the rules,discipline is likely to be both severe and physical.
2. Authoritative parenting: the approach is to put boundaries on acceptable behavior within a warm, accepting context. the parent child interaction is generally characterized by affection, a certain amount of give-and-take, but relatively clear expectations for the children's behavior.
3. Permissive Parenting: the approach is to minimize any control. Parent child interaction may consist of parental acceptance and approval of whatever the children decide to do.

which type of style do you parent your children in. Are you Authoritarian, Authoritative, or Permissive?

Something that i know is which ever style you parent, you can improve your style to best help your children.. According to studies the Authoritative parenting style is the best style as it is an active style. It is a style that helps children to see that you are the parent but you care about them. Parents show more affection in this style of parenting. You aren't overbearing and make all the decisions, you allow your children to make decisions with your input as well.
Parenting is a scary thing. To raise a child, to teach them, and to even love them is scary. But as i learned if we find our self leaning towards a certain parenting style we can change whatever we are doing to make our style better benefit our children.
The way we parent is a huge deal. It effects our child's whole life. It will effect they way they respond to those in leadership, as well as the way they will raise their own children.
Strive to parent your children in the way you would want to be parented. that doesn't necessarily mean the way your parents parented you but treat others the way you want to be treated.

Work?

What is work?
    Creating, contributing, connecting, complementing, cooperation....
I never thought of work in these words. but that is exactly what work is.
How do we implement work into our families. Well we do exactly what those words say. we create, contribute, connect, complement and cooperate. When it comes to a family as well, you work so you can provide. When we have not only ourselves but others that we need to provide for we need to master a thing called budgeting.
Budgeting allows us to do so many things. We may not be able to get everything we want in this world but budgeting allows us to have opportunities to make decisions together. it also makes us ask ourselves- What are our priorities? Budgeting is not just about money but time as well. To be in a healthy relationship, or family, we need to learn how to budget our time so that we are most efficient and effective.

Kaerlighed, Kommunikasionsmedier, Ska'vi Hygge os?

Were you able to understand the title of this post? I'll give you a hint.... Its danish! Actually i'll give you the meanings.
Kaerlighed= love, affection
Kommunikasionsmedier= Communication media
Ska'vi Hygge os= no english translation

Going back to Kommunikasionsmedier (communication media) there are so many different ways that we communicate to others. How do you communicate? do you communicate face to face, text, phone call, internet? There are so many different ways we can communicate but there are 3 forms of communication. 1. Words. 2. Tone. 3. Non-Verbal. In what way are you most comfortable communicating? Some communication is based on gender orientation. Communicating is simple! So why do we make it hard? We as humans dont understand the importance of communication. because we dont understand the importance of communication we dont know how to effectively communicate in the first place. I know i dont.

Something that i love about communication is that you can never not communicate-you can only miscommunicate

so many people say that there marriage was ruined because they didn't communicate. However that is not true. You are ALWAYS communicating- Non verbal- is what we forget. Even when we dont say something we are still communicating a vibe to someone. Communication is key to a successful marriage, understanding is the bigger key. As we strive to understand even more what the others mean and how we can help our family communication will become easier.

Crisis...

have you ever wondered what a family crisis really is? where did it come from? what caused it?


It doesn't matter what stage of life you are at, recently married, childbearing years, empty-nesters, and retirement, financial problems seem to always be a main source of the stressor event.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I believe that there is opposition in all things. the world isn't a fair place. we are tempted beyond belief; i believe though that most things come as a result of our choices. I do not believe that all medical issues come because of our choices. Some things- it is just a part of our plan that we have to endure. Free Agency is a binding agent. It allows us to choose who we become, what happens in our life. Challenges (crisis) also allow us to learn and grow.

Have you ever asked yourself:
      Am I grateful for the crisis' that come into my life?
      Do I look forward to the trials that are coming my way?

When i think of crisis' and trials i like to think of Jesus Christ. He suffered the ultimate pain, betrayal, agony and so much more than anyone who has, does, and will yet walk this earth, and yet he did it for you and me. for all of us. He allows us to become better through his example. He endured with love, patience and hope. We must do the same when we endure a crisis.

What is intimacy?

In our world today people relate the word intimacy to sex, sex, sex. But that's not what intimacy is all about. Intimacy means to be "into" the person. If you go out and just have one night stands, have sex with multiple people you aren't experiencing true intimacy. True intimacy is love, it is serving the person you are with.
In most peoples minds especially if you are not married talking about sex is uncomfortable. I agree. I would rather talk about it with my spouse and my spouse only. However there is something that we need to know about intimacy. Its not just all about the sex. Like I mentioned before its serving one another. Its showing the undenying love you have for your spouse.
There are four stages in the sexual response cycle. And during this cycle the male and the female experience it differently. I believe this is why we were created as male and female. The first stage is excitement- holding hands, kissing, cuddling can all trigger this excitement. The second is plateau- where arousal starts to form and prepares you for the third stage of orgasm- the orgasm is the highest point of the sexual response cycle. after the orgasm comes the resolution-in my mind i call it the call down the finish. One thing that is different between males and females is that it is so hard for women to recognize the sense of arousal, and it is possible for the women to not even experience an orgasm. the male may be completely finished and at the resolution stage and the woman could still be at the plateau. Because of this difference between male and females this can create a lot of insecurity in the sexual intimacy life of a couple. Women need to feel secure before anything, that the male is there with them through it all.
Allow the time with your spouse during your sexual intimate life to be an opportunity of love and service.

New to Marriage? What to do?

So I may not be married but i have seen many friends and family members get married. In fact my oldest nephew who is just 18 months younger than me just proposed and has set a date in just 2 1/2 months to get hitched to his high school sweetheart. But the question is, is getting married an easy adjustment? what is it like within the first month to first year? what do i need to look for in my own marriage?

As I have been learning there are so many things that we will have to adjust to just in the first month of marriage. Things that if you don't adjust to quickly can possibly put your marriage in a rut.
During the first month of marriage- you and your spouse must learn to adjust to- marital intamincy, making decisions together (etc. decor), sleeping in the same bed, finances, food, house temperature, household chores, schedule and what your priorities. All of these are going to be very new to you if you you have never lived with someone of the opposite sex. It is okay to get frazzled but make sure to discuss everything with your spouse. I want to focus primarily on the Priority aspect of this first month adjustment. Before we are married we may live with our family, or roommates at college, we are able to do our own thing, when and where we want to. We don't necessarily need to be thinking about what those around us our doing or what they have prioritized first. In a marriage your spouse should be your priority. They should be the one that you turn to with all you do. Your parents shouldn't be the ones you go and talk to with all your problems it should be your spouse.

During the first year of marriage there are some more adjustments we should be aware of- Traditions, holidays- who's parents are we going to for this christmas or are we just going to have our own? What about the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, etc? Yes you are still apart of your families family but you have just created a new family with your spouse. Find something that works for the both of you- make your own traditions and holidays. Medical issues that you may have known about but become more revelant once you are married and live with the person everyday. They are something that you need to pay close attention to and learn how you as a spouse can help. And extended family.

What happens when a child is born though? It has been studied that during the time of the first two children, couples are most likely to get divorced! Why is that? When we have a child the affection that would normally go to the husband from the wife turns to the baby. Alot of men could feel like they aren't needed or aren't as loved by the wife. I personally dont believe that we as women have a desire for this to happen. But the natural instinct of motherhood comes upon us and sometimes we forget about others feelings. Every time a child is born the relationship of mother and father normally diminishes a little more. When the child leaves the house and moves out the parents relationships increase more.

What can we do to prevent this in our own marriage? As I pondered what I have been learning, I definitely want to prevent this in my marriage. I want my husband to always feel involved in his child's life to never feel like he is not needed. How do we do this? We involve him in everything! allow him to learn, don't be a controlling mother. I am so grateful for my two sisters who have prevented this in their marriages and for their wonderful example. Love your spouse, and remember a marriage isn't just the way of one person it is the way of three- You, Your Spouse and The Lord.

Do I love thee?

What is love? How do we know what love is? How do we love? How do we know if we are in love?

These are all questions that I have wondered in my life. I thought that I've always known what love really is.
There are many different types of love. Love between man and women, love between parent and child, love between friends

But i look at the love that everyone should have. The love that Christ has for us. This week made me think about how I should love others. Do i love everyone? or do i hold hatred to some? How would Christ love? He loved everyone. It didn't matter who he was or what they did to him, he still loved them.

As we get to know someone it is easier to find that love. Continue to build on relationships and strengthen them and you will find the love that you search for.

Who am I?

This week we talked about the roles of men and women and how we are different. As I pondered my subject question, who am I? I thought of all the things that make me, me. I am not the same as my roommates, my best friends, my family; I am individual. And so are you! Have you ever wondered what role you play in your life? Have you ever compared yourself to others? I know that I have. Comparing myself is a weakness that I've had my whole life but it is something that we can't do. We have all been given specific roles as human beings and we need to understand how our roles fit in with others. As we learn the roles we are to have in our lives we will be able to understand who we all are.

Family Cultures

So this week we learned about cultures in the family. Can I just say how interesting it was to learn about how different cultures affect the family.
So what does culture define: the beliefs and values of a group of certain people. Every country has a culture, as do people.
As I thought about my family culture there are many things that I have in my family that I would like to pass down to my children and there are some that I wouldn't like to keep.
Examples of a family culture: making sure your children get a good education, spending the holidays together, learning to work hard-so a good work ethic, loving everyone, etc. there are many things that i look at in my culture that i dont want to continue in my family is when we get together as a family we always end up complaining about something and then its hard to enjoy the time together. those are just a few examples of things that you may do as a family that make it a culture.
Any time a family separates the culture is lost. When i was 6 years old i had this happen to me. My sister was getting married. Now background of my sister and my relationship. we were pretty close. I loved spending time with her and when i was little i was too scared to sleep in my own bed so she would kindly let me share with her. when she got married i didn't have her to hang out with anymore. so I would call her and her husband at 6:30am to chat. She was gone, the culture that i had with her in my life wasn't there anymore.  Boundaries were changed. before we had a very diffused relationship one that looked like ---------. but when she got married she broke off from and it became more of a ______________ rigid relationship.

As i thought about how culture affects families, it effects them in all ways. Culture will always matter when it comes to family. Its who you are!

Have you ever wondered why you act certain ways?

So have you ever wondered why you react in certain ways in response to something someone says, does, or just when you have your own experiences?
I never thought of why I act the way I do in a lot of situations but as I sat and read about theories, and then came to class I finally understood.

For example: So when I am with my friends hanging out and then there is silence I start to FREAK out, always thinking that the reason why they are silent is because I made them angry or something was up. But that's just stupid! That is just a theory, the theory represented in this example would be a symbolic interaction theory- where you are influenced and shaped by your interaction, or experience. it also represents misinterpretation.
There are three other theories- System theories, there will always be boundaries rules, roles, etc. Have you ever gone into a new place looked at someone after they have said something and then judged them by that and put a "label" or "role" on them? I know that I have. We all do at some point in our life.

But I just cant tell you guys how interesting it is to learn about the family and the different things we do naturally, I never knew why I acted the way i do sometimes but i know that im not the only one.
I hope i can get better at these blog posts, please bear with me as i'm still learning how to blog:)

Family Trends

       As I've sat in class this week, and prepared for class I really have learned so much. I want to share my insights from this week. I want to write about multiple things!

To start off, as I sat in class and listened to what Family Science really is. Family Science is a multidisciplinary field which has an impact on many disciplines. I continued to think about a quote that Albert Einstein, "The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking." This quote really got me to thinking as I'm not a huge science person. I don't really like to do research but for some reason this class interests me so much. And its so funny and interesting how this quote by Einstein is so true, ever since the beginning of taking this class I have seen how this is so true. The research that I have done already is affecting me in a lot of my classes.
But what I wanted to write about is the Trends and Myths of the Family.
The myths were quite interesting to read as I agree a lot of these to be myths.
1. A good sex life is the best predictor of marital satisfaction. I thought that this myth was very interesting. Its kind of hard for me to believe that people actually believe this. I may not be married but I have always known that communication is key to marital satisfaction. Its not all about physical affection or attraction. Later on in life that physical attraction can be lost. I know that because ive seen that in those I care about. If you loose communication between those you love, it is so hard to get back. I also thought it was interesting how there is a myth that says happily married people dont have conflict. That is so not true. No one is perfect, no one wont have problems. We all have our ups and downs, we all are imperfect which means we all will have conflict.
Some trends as well that are interesting is that divorce rates are going down. We hear so much how divorce rates are going up and so many people are getting a divorce but they are really going down. there are so many trends that go together. But I am so interested in this research. I encourage all to look at it.
Im excited to share my insights about this course with you!

Why am I writing?

What a wonderful opportunity I have to start another blog. I am writing this blog to share my insights on how the Family creates happiness as well as share my insights from my Family Relations course that I am currently taking at Brigham Young University-Idaho. I am excited to learn about the functions of a family and how we (myself in particular) can strengthen my family and help my family to come closer together. Life is short, its precious and most of all your family should be built on a foundation that you can't fall off of. Family in the end is all we have. So how can we learn and grow through family relations? All I can say is I'm about to find out:)